Forever, Ever
by Secoluna
Summary: S3 Gridlock. Tenth Doctor. "It's because he is worried; he is forgetting". Martha and Rose from the Doctor's perspective.


If there's one word he dislikes it is forever:7 letter word varying in letters and vowels. Don't get him wrong, forever did nothing to him. Forever is nice enough, he likes forever. He just hates it when his companions utter it.

Let's get this straight, he hates the word but loves all his companions.  
Ace, Sarah-Jane, Grace, Susan, Romana just to name a few. (_He's ashamed to name all them, too many he thinks. Far too many lost_). All so different, oh how he loved them and still do. Even Martha. Martha Jones, so ambitious, so curious, so smart, and running away from her family. But she's not Rose. In the end, all of his companions are running literally and metaphorically. That's what he likes about them and requires from them.

_" Doctor," she mumbles as she sits on her leather jacket spread out on the exotic plains of another planet, of another universe in another time "I want to stay like this forever."_

Lord of Time and Space, you think he'll have forever. He doesn't really. He doesn't have even have a home planet. He should have learnt that all things have a cause and an effect. For goodness sake, that's what the universe is about! He is the universe. It was always in the back of his head whispering as he ran with her on applegrass and before he shows off his Scottish accent. _Jack __Doctor__ and Jill __Rose__ went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,_ it will start singing,_ Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after._ He should have listened.

All his companions think they're going to stay with him forever. Some say it, some don't say it but you can see it written all over their faces. They lie. He knows they lie. So, why was he stupid enough to believe **her?** Some eat-chipping shop girl, who loves the colour pink, hates waking up early, likes two sugars in her tea and long showers. I guess that's his mistake – believing in this lie forever. He doesn't believe in forever. Ever. Stupid Humans. He. Should. Have. Known.

He doesn't remember when he started to believe in this lie. Perhaps, it was when he was talking to The Beast. He knew whatever happens in that cave, he will see Rose again. He knew whatever happens after the void closes, he will see Rose needs to see Rose again. No, no, it was earlier than that Time Lord. Possibly, when she lost her face or was it when she appeared to him all golden (_and beautiful_ like Time) flanked by his Tardis. He suspects it was much earlier on in that one basement, saved by this blonde ape, swinging around to save him from dummies. He saw the forever in her eyes. He saw the worship, the undying love, the forever and he was afraid.

So afraid.

He knew Rose Tyler was the death of him (_and still the death of him_). But, what is this? He can't won't dwell on the past. (_Psst Time Lord, it's because Rose is not the past_). It is all about Martha now: Smith and Jones to the rescue. It's unfair to Martha if he keeps going on about Rose. He still doen't know how he feels about Martha. She is like Rose but not: he ignores those gazes and lingering touches. He cares about Martha and there's nothing wrong with Martha. Martha is brilliant. Fantastic, fabulous, feisty and all nice things starting with F.

He really can't help it he compares Martha to Rose. He really can't. He tried, oh believe me, he tried (and still trying). Rose wouldn't have panicked when the witch appeared in the asylum cell. Rose would have told him the right words to help him figure out the mess. Rose would have believed in witches. Rose would have understood the slums of New, New York.(_Technically, it's New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New York_). Rose would have laughed at that. He knows it's unfair to Martha. He really does.

It's because he is worried; he is forgetting. What did Rose look like?_(Golden)_. What did she smell like?_(Tea and the air found around the Gallifreyan mountains)_. He is forgetting what her favourite song was, the mascara brand she wears and how her hand feels like (_please, no: everything but that_). What did Rose taste like? _(Forever)_. He remembers all his companions, but sometimes all the time he forgets, so it will not hurt. He does not want to forget. He can't forget, he will not let himself.

_"No, Martha, you don't" he replies as he takes her hand. She's going to let go very soon. He can feel it._

Why does he go through all this? Why did he let her hold his hand? Why does he let all of them hold his hand? He doesn't know really.

Maybe he likes pain (_or perhaps he deserves it_).


End file.
